Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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