I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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