i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
