CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
