then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
