just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
