note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Randomize
