last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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