My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
