I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize