Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Can I color on your dick again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize