ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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