you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
