She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
