Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize