guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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