I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
