Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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