It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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