While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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