I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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