I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
