Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
