Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
