i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
