I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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