Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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