i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
