Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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