You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
