She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
