I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
