I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
