What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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