I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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