Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
