this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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