My room smells like vodka and shame
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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