No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize