My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
