So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
