Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
