I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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