you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
