nut hugger
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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