like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
