And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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