If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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