Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
