we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
