a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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