apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize