So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
