I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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