So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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