So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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