Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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