Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
