I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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