Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
