Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
