Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high