if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.