im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?