Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My dick has a subreddit
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.