theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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