I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
