every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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