Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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