I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
