I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
